Gentlemen, that reminds me....
The Annual Check Ride
Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, " I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years - but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're going to lose an engine on takeoff..."
(Seen at Avitop, http://www.avitop.com/)
Whilst we're on the subject of the wee man dressed in red, did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa!
Heard on the Airwaves....
ATC: "Flight 1010 say fuel."
ATC: "Clipper 2314, do you have Xray?"
ATC: "Clipper 2314, do you have Whiskey?"
Pilot: "Jones tower, Cessna N12345, student
pilot, I am out of fuel."
(Seen at Avitop, http://www.avitop.com/)
(You can find more like this here!)
This section has been copied from Marine and General Batteries site at http://www.sonnenschein.org/ and is reproduced with gratitude. This site is well worth a visit for not only is it a good source of batteries etc., it also has plenty of good advise about battery maintenance.
The Ten Commandments of
battery installation and maintenance
1. Beware of the thunder and lightning that lurketh in charged batteries, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most unseemly manner. Cause thee no spark or short among them.
2. Again, again I say unto you, Underestimate Not the energy of a shorted battery, for if thou so doest, thy friends will surely be buying beers for thy lady and consoling her in certain ways not acceptable to thee.
3. Suffer thou any DC installation doth comply with ABYC or suffer Mightily Of The Plague of Lawyers, who will separate thee from thy worldly goods .
4.Remember to put in Parallel or Series only Batteries of the same type, age, size, weight and state of charge or suffer thou a Righteous Ream Job by thy Supervisor, and the miraculous Shrinking of thy Wages.
5. Tarry thou not amongst fools that mixeth Different Types of Batteries in a Bank, for they are disbelievers but make question of them if their Airplane hath different size wings also.
6. Take care when thou takest the measures of high-voltage circuits, or thou shalt incinerate both thee and thy test meter. Verily, thou hast but small value and can be easily replaced, but the loss of a fine test meter bringeth much woe and lamenting back at the shop.
7. Bypass thou not fuses, breakers, or safety devices, nor wire thy vessel if thou be color-blind for this can arouse any Survivors to Wrath, and thou shalt suffer Loud Doubts on thine Ancestry, Present Worth and Future Prospects.
8. Covet not thy neighbours true RMS meter and Suffer thou learn well the common, neutral, negative, ground, earth and bond. Amen, amen I say unto thee, the Smoke pouring out your ears cannot be putteth back and thy Brain worketh not a toss without it.
9. Bedeck thyself not with jewelry or watches whilst working with Acid and Lead substances lest thou compete with Quasimodo on the ugly scale and thy Wife and have no further use for thee except for thy Wages.
10. Give lasting peace, even amongst the unbelievers, by letting them wire up their own Electric Toilet.
I used these 10 commandments as the basis for the ABYC Marine Battery Seminar at the IBEX in Ft Lauderdale It is now a tried and true tool for emphasising basic DC safety and Battery Usage to the unwary.
Engraving from an original Electric Storage Battery Co Stock Certificate, circa 1963. Not Bruce!
With thanks to Marine and General Batteries http://www.sonnenschein.org/bruce the wise.htm
And there's more........
Magic moments....on the 'phone..................or why " technician Bruce gets Surly..."©
10.The boat was only submerged
Our personal favourite...Can you tell me why the battery posts melted?......
With thanks to Marine and General Batteries
Some troops on a Transport Command plane are waiting for the flight to leave; they're getting a little impatient, but the Movements staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that. The main hatch opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms - both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The troops begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport boundary. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin - but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The troops relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their books and magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
Check out Scott Murdock's hilarious "You Might be a Gung Ho Military Base Researcher If..." page at http://www.airforcebase.net/gungho.html.
An Air Force telecomms tech had to go to the rifle range one day to renew his "Marksman" badge. He loaded his rifle, aimed at the target and fired off five rounds. After he finished firing he watched the butts to see where his rounds had gone and was most dismayed when a disc on a pole was waved in front of the target, signifying that none of the rounds had actually hit the target. The tech made some adjustments to his rifle and fired another five rounds, with the same result. By now he was getting a little frustrated and was keenly aware of the other guys sniggering behind him, so after making more adjustments he fired off another five rounds. With the same result. The telecomms tech grabbed the field telephone and angrily asked the guys in the butts what the hell was going on. "Sorry mate" was the reply, "None of your rounds hit the target!". Almost apoplectic with rage he told the guys in the butts to hang on a minute and threw the telephone to the floor. He then put his finger down the rifle's muzzle, pulled the trigger and blew his finger off. Once he'd wiped the tears from his eyes he again grabbed the telephone and screamed, "Well it's leaving this end OK so you'd damned well better sort out your end!"
This article purported to be a transcript of a recorded conversation between US and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in heavy fog:
Canadians: US vessel;
request you steer 15 degrees Port to avoid collision. Please respond, over.
(The Mirror, 4 March 2000)
(This is an apocryphal tale, USS "Missouri" BB-63 is a battleship and is now in honourable semi-retirement! See http://www.chinfo.navy.mil/navpalib/questions/litehuse.html for the story on the story - Ed.)
Low flying jets cause ostrich havoc
"I work as an air traffic controller for the RAF, and we occasionally get people ringing up to complain about low-flying jets "going under my washing Line" or "in between my hedges". One night at work the switchboard lit up with people complaining about nine Tornadoes flying incredibly low. One call in particular has kept the entire fast jet community in stitches for months. A local ostrich farmer called to say the jets were playing havoc with his birds. It's a known fact that ostriches bury their heads in the sand when they sense danger, and they'd been so scared by the jets they'd instinctively tried to bury their bonces. Sadly, the flock were standing on concrete at the time, and five had rendered themselves unconscious trying to hide."
Keith Campbell, RAF Brize Norton (from FHM, The best of bar room jokes & true stories)
Constructed by Dick Barrett
The right of Dick Barrett to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.