Gentlemen, that reminds me....

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Gentlemen, that reminds me....
(Or, Pull up a sandbag lad, I wanna tell you a story!)


 The CIA - Have you got what it takes?
(or, Don't argue with the wife!) 

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "The gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

(Thanks to my sister-in-law, Ann-Louise Tester, for sending me this one)


Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that is activated when the raft is inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

(A well travelled tale or might there might be some truth in this? In the mid 80's I heard that a guy working on an oil rig in the North Sea stole a small Lokata personal EPIRB and took it home to Glasgow. As you might expect, The Universal Law of the Perversity of Inanimate Objects prevailed and the thing went off in his home. He awoke in the wee small hours to find the police hammering on his door and a rescue helicopter hovering over his house! Ed.)

 (Thanks to my sister-in-law, Ann-Louise Tester, for sending me this one)


Queren Stewart sent me a couple of genuine faults that have appeared on job cards in a certain middle eastern country;

I.F.F. does not work in O.F.F. mode


Receiver I.F. Does not transmit

(There's more like this here!)

(Come on troops, there must be lots more like this out there - Ed)


I am indebted to my colleague Dave Brown who forwarded this item to me. Names have been removed to protect the guilty!

"The following was received from a former Intelsat colleague who now works at New Skies and I thought we could all benefit from pausing for a moment in our daily fight to keep the barbarians from the gate to reflect and wonder what it may be that prompted him to pen this - had their control systems thrown a wobbly? I personally think (based on 20+ years empirical data) that if the Almighty has any view about our business it is more likely to be "if you couldn't take a joke, you shouldn't have signed up"...


      The Satellite Prayer.

      Our satellites which art in the heavens,
      Varied are thy names.
      Thy engineers have plenty to do,
      On earth, so that it all works in the heavens.
      Give us this day our daily plots,
      And verify our command messages,
      As we verify those that are generated by others.
      Lead us not into loss of earth lock,
      But deliver us from anomalies.
      For thine is the revenue,
      From the traffic of our customers,
      For ever and ever,"



And whilst we're on the subject of prayers:

      Alan Shepherd's Prayer:

      Oh Lord, please don't let me screw up.

      Barrett's codicil:

      However Lord, if it is your will that I do screw up, please arrange it so that no one else notices.



Engineer - This sound clip might give you a chuckle, I've absolutely no idea where it originally came from!


Click the CD for the sound clip (288k)


You are the chief airplane washer at the company hangar and you:

(1) Hook a high pressure hose up to the soap suds machine.

(2) Turn the machine "On".

(3) You then receive an important call and have to leave work to go home.

(4) As you depart for home, you yell to Don, your assistant, "Don, turnit off."

(5) Your assistant, Don, thinks he hears you yell, "Don't turn it off.". He shrugs, and leaves the area right after you.



Click on the symbol to see the picture of the consequences.

(Thanks to my sister-in-law, Ann-Louise Tester, for sending me this one)


Here's one for all the freight pilots.

You might be a freight dog if:

1. Your airplane was getting old when you were born.
2. You have not done a daylight landing in the past six months.
3. ATC advices you of smoother air at a different altitude, and you don't care.
4. When you taxi up to an FBO they roll out the red carpet, but quickly take it back when they recognize you.
5. You call the hotel van to pick you up and they don't understand where You are on the airport.
6. Center asks you to "keep the chickens down" so they can hear you talk.
7. Your airplane has more than 75,000 cycles.
8. Your company call sign is "Oil Can".
9. The lady at the FBO locks up the popcorn machine because you plan on "making a meal of it".
10. Your airplane has more than eight faded logos on it.
11. You wear the same shirt for a week, and no one complains.
12. Center mispronounces your call sign more than three times in one flight.
13. Your D O mysteriously changes your max takeoff weight during the holiday season.
14. Every FBO makes you park out of sight of their building.
15. You have ever walked barefoot through the FBO because you just woke up.
16. You mark every ramp with engine oil.
17. Everything you own is in your flight bag and suitcase.


A Cessna 402 was having problems with his landing gear not indicating 3 green, and was holding at a fairly remote town. The 402 pilot was getting agitated and everyone was trying to be helpful.

Chopper pilot: "Errr...I'm 20 minutes away, but if you hold I can come by and look at your airplane."
402 Pilot: "Look man, I'm not waiting 20 minutes for you to come and look at my airplane."
Chopper pilot: "I don't want to look at it. I just want to see you land it!!" 

(Seen at Avitop,


"Ode to the Spell Checker!"

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

(Thanks to my sister-in-law, Ann-Louise Tester, for sending me this "Ode")


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Updated 01/02/2005

Constructed by Dick Barrett
ęCopyright 2000 - 2005 Dick Barrett
The right of Dick Barrett to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.