Gentlemen, that reminds me....

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Gentlemen, that reminds me....
(Or, Pull up a sandbag lad, I wanna tell you a story!)


I found the following at, this site is packed with humour items and well worth a visit:

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an
American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force,
it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is
an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday

A FRIEND of mine who is a Canadian Forces chaplain tells this story: A military aircraft had just reached its assigned 38,000 feet when suddenly and dramatically it dropped steeply to about half that altitude. A frightened soldier among the passengers turned to his seat mate, a chaplain. "Do something, padre!" he pleaded. "Relax, my boy," said the chaplain. "I'm sure we'll be all right." The soldier was not reassured. "Please, padre," he persisted. "Do something religious!" The chaplain smiled, then asked: "Would you like me to take up an offering?"

A HELICOPTER rescue crew, helping people marooned by a blizzard in the Scottish Highlands, spotted a smoking chimney just above the snow. Landing, they made their way to the chimney and shouted down it that they were the RAF Rescue Team. Back came a voice: "Get away with you! I  bought a flag off you people last week."

 An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines.  He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London.
 The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.  The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"  The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans.  You are such a rude class of people.  Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
 The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat.  Again he asked, "Please, lady. Can I sit there?   I'm very tired."  The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!  Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant.   Imagine!"
The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he could please sit down.  The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate."
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.   And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"

A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island. One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"  "What's the matter with you?" asked the husband after the sailor came back down. "We weren't making love."  "Sorry," said the sailor. "from up there it looked like you were."  Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself.   With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. "By golly, he's right," said the husband. "It does look like they're making love down there."

It was a dark, stormy, night.   The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.  A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk.  The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"   The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"  Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!"  The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing.  Don't you agree?"  The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"  The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."  The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"  The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."  The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

  All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend " My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.  Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
  The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.  A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said " Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.  After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"  The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."  So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.  Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
   "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
   The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

A men was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.  "But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"   "Sure," replied the man.  "Well, won't they find out?"   The man shrugged. "But who'll tell?"

THERE'S a memo circulating in the British civil service that recommends secretary sharing as a means of economizing. "This can be done," it concludes, "either horizontally between officers of equal rank or vertically between an officer and a senior."

ONE of the directors at the NASA Test Facility in Bay Saint Louis, Miss., was known for his inflexible edicts, which he invariably sent in writing, and for which he insisted on a signed receipt declaring that the orders had been received and understood. One day we were rerouting an underground pipe through his office and had to use a jackhammer to break through the concrete floor. I was standing in the hall to get away from the noise and dust when a couple of the director's assistants came by. One commented to the other in a hushed, reverent tone, "Good God, now he's carving them in stone!"

THE U.S. shipping company where my father worked had a new ship built. It was to be the pride of the fleet, and something special was wanted to decorate the captain's saloon, a large living room/office where the vessel's business and entertaining would take place. Someone suggested that a set of nautical prints would lend a nice touch. He knew of a shop in London that specialized in such things, and the prints were ordered and hung in the saloon. It was not until the trial run of the vessel, when both the builder's and the owner's representatives were aboard, that someone looked closely at the prints. Each was of an American ship being captured by, or surrendering to, a British warship during the War of 1812.

A TOUGH U.S. Marine sergeant got word that the father of one of his men had passed away. At roll call he snapped:  "Hey, Smith, your father died!" The Marine fainted on the spot. A week later the sister of another Marine died, and the sergeant once again called his men together. "Jones," he yelled out, "your sister died last night!"  The Marine burst into tears.
   Finally, word got back to the general about the sergeant's insensitivity, and he was called on the carpet and told to be less direct and gruff when one of his men suffered a tragedy.  A week later the sergeant was notified that Private Miller had just lost his mother.  Remembering what the general had said, he lined up his troop and ordered: "Everyone whose mother is alive, please take one step forward - NOT SO FAST, MILLER!"

I ONCE asked a sergeant major of a Highland regiment the age-old question, "What is worn under the kilt?"  "Nothing is worn under the kilt, sir," he replied. "It is all in verra verra good condition. "

LIEUTENANT BERRY got a pass for his wife and daughter to visit him at the army camp. The two went around to the side gate, which was the shortest route to his office. But a sentry stopped them. "Sorry, you'll have to go through the front gate," he said. "Nobody is allowed to pass through here."   "But we're the Berrys," protested the wife.  "Lady, I don't care if you're the cat's pajamas -- you can't go through this gate."

A SERGEANT and a private were court-martialed for kicking a colonel as he got into his car. The sergeant said the colonel had stepped on his most sensitive corn, and he had lost control of his reflexes, kicking the colonel unintentionally. That made sense to the court.  The private then gave his explanation: "I saw the sergeant kicking the colonel and I thought the war was over."

MY MATERNAL grandmother was in hospital. While I was on leave from the navy and not in uniform, my mother arranged to meet me at the hospital gates so that we might visit my grandmother together. I turned up late, Mother wasn't there and I paced up and down outside the gates supposing that she, too, had been delayed.  After a few minutes the gatekeeper came out and asked me if I was a sailor. This surprised me, considering I was wearing my civilian clothes. He explained that my mother had gone ahead and had asked him to direct me to my grandmother's room. "Just keep a look out for a sailor in civilian clothes," she had told him.

A FRIEND of mine, Capt. Charles Blue, was stationed in a remote area of Newfoundland during part of World War II. His wife was at home in Nova Scotia anxiously awaiting the birth of their third child. The only means of communication was the military radio, which could not be used for personal messages no matter how important.  Blue was sure he would not get news of his child's birth. But a fellow officer in Yarmouth, N.S., cut through the red tape and relieved the anxiety with this wireless message:


Seen at at

15/01/2002 Murphy's Military Laws

I found these "Laws" on The Audio Pages, an excellent site put together by Rod Elliot of Elliot Sound Products at If you're serious about audio kit then Rod's site is well worth a visit. Rod is also doing some sterling work by exposing the lies, myths and frauds of the audio industry.

1.    Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
2.    No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. (Field Marshall Helmuth Carl Bernard von Moltke)
3.    Friendly fire isn't.
4.    The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
5.    The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
6.    The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
7.    The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
8.    Incoming fire has the right of way.
9.    If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
14. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
17. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it.  Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.
18. All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets.
        18.1 ...printed at different scales;
        18.2 ...uphill;
        18.3 ...and in the rain.
19. Logistics is the ball and chain of armoured warfare. Heinz Guderian
20. The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.
21. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
22. A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. George Patton
23. If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.
24. Tracer works both ways.
25. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
26. War is like love. To triumph, you must make contact. Attributed to Napoleon
27. Boldness becomes rarer, the higher the rank. Karl von Clausewitz
28. Never reinforce failure. Failure reinforces itself.
29. Only 5% of an intelligence report is accurate. The trick of a good commander is to isolate the 5%. Douglas MacArthur
30. Tactics is for amateurs; professionals study logistics.
31. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he's fallen back too far.
32. It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.
33. No captain can do very wrong who places his ship alongside that of the enemy. Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson
34: Only numbers can annihilate. Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson
35a. Always know when it's time to get out of Dodge.
35b. Always know how to get out of Dodge.
36. Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
37. Priorities are made by officers, not God. There's a difference.
38. Always honour a threat.
39. The weight of all of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it.
40. Hell hath no fury like a non-combatant. Charles Edward Montague
41. Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history.
42. There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
43. A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost. Ferdinand Foch (Principles de Guerre)
44. Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander. Jerry Pournelle
45. All warfare is based on deception. Sun Tzu (The Art of War)
46. A little caution outflanks a large cavalry. Otto von Bismark
47. No combat ready squad ever passed inspection.  No inspection ready squad ever passed combat.
48. Five second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.
49. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
50. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
51. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share to take.
52. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
53. Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.
54. When in doubt empty the magazine.
55. Snow is not neutral. Frunze Military Academy Maxim

Seen at

15/01/2002 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, wot's all this then?

My thanks to Derek Wallace for forwarding this item.....

Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked up completely with an unexpected reading of over 300mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low-flying RAF Harrier hurtled over their heads.

The boys in blue, upset over the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened by the reply which pointed out that damage to police resources could have been considerably greater.

The Harrier's target-seeker had locked onto the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface attack, but luckily for the two guys on the ground, the weapons systems were not armed

Extracted from Pilot Magazine


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