Gentlemen, that reminds me....
I found the following at http://www.becquet.com/laughter/17.htm, this site is packed with humour items and well worth a visit:
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian
aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is
A FRIEND of mine who is a Canadian Forces chaplain tells this story: A military aircraft had just reached its assigned 38,000 feet when suddenly and dramatically it dropped steeply to about half that altitude. A frightened soldier among the passengers turned to his seat mate, a chaplain. "Do something, padre!" he pleaded. "Relax, my boy," said the chaplain. "I'm sure we'll be all right." The soldier was not reassured. "Please, padre," he persisted. "Do something religious!" The chaplain smiled, then asked: "Would you like me to take up an offering?"
A HELICOPTER rescue crew, helping people marooned by a blizzard in the Scottish Highlands, spotted a smoking chimney just above the snow. Landing, they made their way to the chimney and shouted down it that they were the RAF Rescue Team. Back came a voice: "Get away with you! I bought a flag off you people last week."
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from
several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had finally
been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board
a train bound for a few days in London.
A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island. One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!" "What's the matter with you?" asked the husband after the sailor came back down. "We weren't making love." "Sorry," said the sailor. "from up there it looked like you were." Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. "By golly, he's right," said the husband. "It does look like they're making love down there."
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!" The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told
his best friend " My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women
in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore,
as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity
belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!" The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines. Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"
During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud.
The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get
A men was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army. "But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?" "Sure," replied the man. "Well, won't they find out?" The man shrugged. "But who'll tell?"
THERE'S a memo circulating in the British civil service that recommends secretary sharing as a means of economizing. "This can be done," it concludes, "either horizontally between officers of equal rank or vertically between an officer and a senior."
ONE of the directors at the NASA Test Facility in Bay Saint Louis, Miss., was known for his inflexible edicts, which he invariably sent in writing, and for which he insisted on a signed receipt declaring that the orders had been received and understood. One day we were rerouting an underground pipe through his office and had to use a jackhammer to break through the concrete floor. I was standing in the hall to get away from the noise and dust when a couple of the director's assistants came by. One commented to the other in a hushed, reverent tone, "Good God, now he's carving them in stone!"
THE U.S. shipping company where my father worked had a new ship built. It was to be the pride of the fleet, and something special was wanted to decorate the captain's saloon, a large living room/office where the vessel's business and entertaining would take place. Someone suggested that a set of nautical prints would lend a nice touch. He knew of a shop in London that specialized in such things, and the prints were ordered and hung in the saloon. It was not until the trial run of the vessel, when both the builder's and the owner's representatives were aboard, that someone looked closely at the prints. Each was of an American ship being captured by, or surrendering to, a British warship during the War of 1812.
A TOUGH U.S. Marine sergeant got word that the father of one of his men had
passed away. At roll call he snapped: "Hey, Smith, your father died!"
The Marine fainted on the spot. A week later the sister of another Marine died,
and the sergeant once again called his men together. "Jones," he yelled
out, "your sister died last night!" The Marine burst into tears.
I ONCE asked a sergeant major of a Highland regiment the age-old question, "What is worn under the kilt?" "Nothing is worn under the kilt, sir," he replied. "It is all in verra verra good condition. "
LIEUTENANT BERRY got a pass for his wife and daughter to visit him at the army camp. The two went around to the side gate, which was the shortest route to his office. But a sentry stopped them. "Sorry, you'll have to go through the front gate," he said. "Nobody is allowed to pass through here." "But we're the Berrys," protested the wife. "Lady, I don't care if you're the cat's pajamas -- you can't go through this gate."
A SERGEANT and a private were court-martialed for kicking a colonel as he got into his car. The sergeant said the colonel had stepped on his most sensitive corn, and he had lost control of his reflexes, kicking the colonel unintentionally. That made sense to the court. The private then gave his explanation: "I saw the sergeant kicking the colonel and I thought the war was over."
MY MATERNAL grandmother was in hospital. While I was on leave from the navy and not in uniform, my mother arranged to meet me at the hospital gates so that we might visit my grandmother together. I turned up late, Mother wasn't there and I paced up and down outside the gates supposing that she, too, had been delayed. After a few minutes the gatekeeper came out and asked me if I was a sailor. This surprised me, considering I was wearing my civilian clothes. He explained that my mother had gone ahead and had asked him to direct me to my grandmother's room. "Just keep a look out for a sailor in civilian clothes," she had told him.
A FRIEND of mine, Capt. Charles Blue, was stationed in a remote area of Newfoundland during part of World War II. His wife was at home in Nova Scotia anxiously awaiting the birth of their third child. The only means of communication was the military radio, which could not be used for personal messages no matter how important. Blue was sure he would not get news of his child's birth. But a fellow officer in Yarmouth, N.S., cut through the red tape and relieved the anxiety with this wireless message:
LITTLE BOY BLUE ARRIVED STOP BLOW YOUR HORN STOP
Seen at at http://www.becquet.com/laughter/17.htm
Murphy's Military Laws
I found these "Laws" on The Audio Pages, an excellent site put together by Rod Elliot of Elliot Sound Products at http://sound.westhost.com/index.html If you're serious about audio kit then Rod's site is well worth a visit. Rod is also doing some sterling work by exposing the lies, myths and frauds of the audio industry.
1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
Seen at http://sound.au.com/humour.htm
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, wot's all this then?
My thanks to Derek Wallace for forwarding this item.....
Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire
moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists,
when their equipment suddenly locked up completely with an unexpected reading
of over 300mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low-flying RAF
Harrier hurtled over their heads.
Constructed by Dick Barrett
The right of Dick Barrett to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.