Gentlemen, that reminds me....
I found the following at http://www.becquet.com/laughter/57.htm, this site is packed with humour items and well worth a visit::From: Marcia Weiszmann
I am a white knuckled flyer, so imagine my angst when upon realizing I was about to fly in one of those little planes that seats only 10, the
seats are folded down, and the only people who can stand erect are 4 years olds or younger. The pilot is about 3 inches from the passengers
and there is no door or curtain separating him from us. I was not a happy camper. Anyway, when we were lining up to board I noticed a
rather disheveled, unkempt middle aged man ahead of us waiting to board. He looked like he was suffering from a really bad hangover and
could have benefited from a good night's sleep, not to mention a drink. I jokingly remarked to my companion that this guy was the pilot and we were doomed. I was kidding. Sure enough, after we board who climbs in and takes the pilot's seat? He mumbled, or should I say slurred, something that sounded like "grunt, blah blah, grunt blah." I never prayed so much in my life.
Many years ago, long before the resurgence of Midway Airport in Chicago,
my boyfriend and I took his mother to the rarely used airport. I
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United
fight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly, and angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped
his ticket down on the counter and said, " I HAVE to be on this flight
and it has to be FIRST CLASS!"
EARLY in my flying career, I had my first night flight. Looking down in the darkness, I asked my instructor what we would do if the engine failed. "Get the plane gliding in a controlled descent attempt to restart the engine and make a Mayday call," he explained. "The only difference between day and night flying is that the terrain below will not be clearly visible, so the aircraft should be headed toward whatever looks most like a clear area, and it should be approaching into the wind. Conserve the battery, turn on the landing light when you get close to the ground, and if you like what you see, land." "All right, but what if I don't like what I see?" My instructor gave me a compassionate look in the dim cockpit, and said softly, "Turn off the landing light."
WHILE on duty as a ground hostess at Jan Smuts Airport, Johannesburg, South Africa, I was directing passengers to the bus which would take them from the terminal building to the aircraft. I noticed a rather upset elderly woman, apparently on her first air trip. When her turn came to board the bus, she tried to leave the queue. "You are going to Durban, madam?" I asked her. "Yes," she replied, "but for what that ticket cost me, certainly not by bus. "
I USED to work in an airport baggage claim area. One afternoon I unloaded some arriving luggage on the carrousel conveyor belt. A few seconds later the belt jammed when the first suitcase wedged itself at one of the turns. After I yanked the bag free, the conveyor started again, and the only way out was for me to ride the belt up to the carrousel. I sat with the suitcase on my lap to make sure it wouldn't cause any more problems. As I slid by on the carrousel, a passerby yelled, "Next time, go first-class!"
I AM an air-traffic controller at a small private airport. I was working on a very wintry day when the temperature was -30░, the wind-chill factor was -55░, and it was snowing. The pilot of a small plane called me for landing instructions. His aircraft number was unfamiliar, so, not knowing his destination at the airport, I asked, "Where would you like to park, sir?" His warm Southern drawl came through the frigid air loud and clear: "Miami!"
I WAS working on a transcontinental flight when a young child who was traveling with his mother became irritable and started to cry. A businessman who was trying to catch up on his paper work pleaded with me to do something about the child's behavior. The mother and the flight attendants tried to quiet the child with toys and cookies, without success. A man approached the mother and offered to help. In desperation she agreed. He immediately started to make funny faces and noises, and the child gradually ceased to cry and responded happily to the man's expressions. The mother sighed with relief, thanked the man, and asked if he had children of his own. "I'm not married," he replied. After a moment he said, "I'm a baby photographer."
THE Air Canada Employee Flying Club was extremely proud the day the four-seater Cessna 172, newly painted in the airline's colors, was rolled out of the hangar for the first time. It was tiny in comparison to other planes at the Toronto Maintenance Base, and flying it made for some interesting radio exchanges.
"Toronto Ground, this is Allegheny 357. I'd like taxi clearance."
Ground Control: "Roger, Allegheny.... Hold short, you have an Air Canada L-1011, an Air Canada DC-8 and an Air Canada Cessna 172 passing in front."
Allegheny: "Well, I'll be . . . papa bear, mama bear and the iddy biddy baby bear."
MY HUSBAND and I had a stop-over in Toronto before continuing to our destination on a commuter flight. It was a rainy night and we were not looking forward to the bus ride and walk required to board the small de Havilland airplane. After a long wait the flight attendant finally announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are sorry for the delay. Air Canada Commuter Flight 1143 is now unloading and we are waiting for our passengers to be run over by the bus."
AT THE airport my husband and I decided to buy some medical insurance. The clerk at the counter asked us where we were going. "Puerto Plata," I answered. "Is that in Mexico?" she asked. "No," I said, "it's in the Dominican Republic." "Oh," she replied, "you'll have to forgive me. I never was very good at geometry."
MY DAUGHTER and two-month-old granddaughter were flying home to Calgary after visiting relatives and friends in Toronto. As she struggled with all the luggage and baby paraphernalia after they landed, a big, burly member of the Calgary Stampeders football club, holding a blanket she had dropped, grinned and said, "You look like you can use some help!" She gratefully agreed, and he carried most of her luggage off the plane. As she was thanking him for his help later, he smiled and said shyly, "I was really hoping you'd let me carry the baby."
I WAS about to take my first airplane trip and expressed my anxieties about flying to the ticket agent, who reassured me by quoting safety statistics. Feeling a little better, I took his suggestion and chose a window seat. Then the agent handed me my ticket. "Now take this to Gate 22," he said with a solemn face. "That's where we hand out the helmets, scarves, goggles and parachutes."
ON A flight from Montreal to Halifax, a man I know was seated next to an elderly woman whose head was bowed and whose hands were tightly clasped together. When the dinner menu was presented she said she would not have anything to eat, but would prefer to sit quietly till they landed. She added that this was her first flight and she was terrified. My friend, a veteran air traveler, did his best to assure her of the safety of flying. The flight was uneventful, but on touchdown the starboard wheels missed the runway, causing the plane to veer off course and head straight for the control tower. With engines roaring, the plane lifted off again, and by just a few meters missed the control tower, whose occupants were clearly seen lying on the floor with hands over their heads. It was a terrifying few moments, but the second approach and landing were faultless. When the engines were shut down and the passengers started to deplane, the woman unclasped her hands and smilingly looked up at my friend. "You were right," she said, "there was absolutely nothing to worry about on this flight."
ON AN airplane flight, I was skimming through a colorful safety- information card written in French, Spanish and English. I pointed out to my dozing husband that the French need just one word - amerrissage - to say "landing on water." "In English you cannot express the thought 'landing on water' with just one word," I said. "Splash!" he murmured sleepily.
I WAS on a night flight from a small western city. The take off path was over a rural valley, darkened except for the lights that twinkled from occasional farm houses. Shortly after takeoff, the plane's lights began flashing on and off. Then the pilot announced over the loudspeaker system: "In case you're wondering why I'm blinking the landing lights, look over to your left and you'll see a flashing light on the hillside. My youngsters are saying,'Good-night, Dad' in Morse code. I'm just acknowledging the message." After a brief pause, the plane's lights began flashing again. "It's past their bedtime," the pilot announced. "I just signaled them to go to bed." Sure enough, the lights on the hillside went out.
PASSENGERS waiting for a flight began to get anxious when the airplane hadn't arrived half an hour after it was scheduled to depart. The harried agent finally told us that our plane had been diverted and that arrangements had been made for us to travel with a rival airline. By the time we sprinted to the other side of the terminal, frustration levels were high. Finally we were airborne, and drinks were served. A passenger complained that the other airline served complimentary peanuts. A flight attendant lightened the mood considerably when she quipped, "With them you get peanuts. With us you get transportation!"
WE WERE changing planes at Atlanta's Hartsfield Airport and found ourselves coping with long distances between gates. Gratefully we headed towards a moving sidewalk. As we were about to step onto it, a grizzled gent in a cowboy hat and boots approached. Wearily shifting the two bulky bags he was toting, he asked, "Can you tell me if this sidewalk goes to Houston?"
ON A cross-country flight I tried a technique a friend had recommended for controlling fear. I asked the flight attendant for a magazine, some paper and a pencil, and proceeded to copy the words on each page of the magazine. It was tedious, but effectively distracting. Several articles later, the attendant approached me. "I admire your thrift," she said. "But please, just keep the magazine -- compliments of the airline."
MY WIFE and I were on a late evening flight from Winnipeg to Vancouver. As we began our descent, most of the passengers were either sleeping or reclining drowsily in their seats. No one was prepared for the jarring impact as the plane hit the runway. A ripple of alarm swept through the passenger cabin but concerned faces soon broke into smiles as the voice of the stewardess came over the intercom: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Now that we have your attention, we'd like to welcome you to Vancouver International Airport."
I WAS flying home to spend Christmas with my parents, my suitcase stuffed with gifts. As it bumped down the baggage ramp, it half opened and my tooth-brush fell out. I hastily retrieved my suitcase but couldn't catch up with the toothbrush. As it continued around the baggage carrousel I overheard a passenger say, "My, that person travels light."
DENNIS and I almost missed our honey-moon flight and were unable to get seats together. When we were airborne, I wrote my new spouse a note: "To the man sitting in 16C. I find you very attractive. Would you care to join me for an unforgettable evening? The lady in 4C." A flight attendant delivered it. A few minutes later she returned with a cocktail. The man in 16C was flattered, she told me, but said he must decline my offer since he was on his honeymoon. I was still laughing when we landed. "Thank you for the drink," I said to my groom. "But I didn't send you one," he replied. He had been sitting in 14C.
TRAVELING during a holiday period can be especially exasperating. Our flight had been delayed repeatedly, and passengers in the boarding area were tired and cranky. The airline staff tried to maintain good humour, but when the plane was finally ready, one attendant's feelings were obvious. "We are now prepared to board Flight 128," he announced. "We will preboard children traveling alone, parents with small children and the families of husbands who are acting like children."
UPON boarding a plane, passengers were crowding the aisle, removing coats and storing them overhead. One of the attendants was trying to move forward through the crowd. As she struggled around passengers, she muttered, "I feel like a salmon trying to swim upstream." After a moment, a man's voice asked quietly, "You know why a salmon swims upstream?"
WHEN I was a pilot for a commuter airline, gusty winds buffeted our little plane during a landing, giving the passengers a scare. Much to everyone's relief, we touched down safely in our parking spot, where ramp agents were anxiously waiting. Unfortunately, in their haste they neglected to lock the mobile stairway firmly in place. It was an octogenarian who got off the plane first. Walking cane in hand, he stepped on the stairway. Almost simultaneously, the wind gusted to gale force, propelling the man and stairs across the ramp towards the terminal. We watched helplessly as they sailed over the concrete and crashed into a chain-link fence-whereupon the elderly gentleman stepped off unscathed, tipped his hat to the bystanders and said, "Best damn service I've ever had!"
A PEPPERY woman at the airline ticket counter was complaining about the delay in the departure of her flight. "Young man," she snapped at the reservations clerk, "the way you people run this airline, a witch on a janitor's broom could get there faster." "Madam," the clerk said, with just a hint of a smile, "the runways are clear."
WHEN I played with a symphony orchestra, our union reached an agreement with a major airline about which instruments we could carry on board and which had to be shipped as luggage. A cellist was dismayed to find that his delicate, expensive wood instrument was consigned to the rougher handling and cold temperatures of the baggage hold. He neatly solved the problem. Cello in hand, he approached the flight attendant at the gate and asked, "May I bring my clarinet on board?" Scanning her list, she replied, "Clarinets are okay, have a good trip," and, smiling, waved him on.
MY SISTER adopted a scraggly black puppy just before she was to catch a flight from Kansas to Florida. She made special arrangements with the airline to take her new pet on the plane. At the airport my sister prepared to board, carrying the puppy in a case tucked under her arm. To the amusement of fellow travelers, she was wearing a T-shirt that read:
"Dear Auntie Em,
TIRING of the inconvenience of the drive from airport to country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage. On his next trip, he made his approach down the airport runway as usual. Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here without wheels!" The startled husband abruptly yanked the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster. Continuing, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat there, visibly shaken he said to his wife, "I don't know what got into me. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!" And with that, he opened the door and stepped out, falling into the water.
MY NIECE, a business executive, booked an early flight to Dallas to attend
a 9 a.m. meeting. After takeoff, the plane was diverted to Lubbock to
pick up passengers stranded by weather the night before. Outraged, my
niece protested that she would be late for a very important meeting.
A FRIEND of mine had been on the road for several days when he encountered difficulties with his airline reservation. The prospect of not getting home sent him into a tirade, which the counter attendant endured stoically. After correcting the error, she pinned a bright airline badge on his lapel and told him to show it to the flight attendant just as soon as he got on the airplane. Anticipating VIP treatment, he immediately sought out a flight attendant and pointed to his badge. She looked puzzled, and asked who had given it to him. "Does it matter?" "Not really, sir, except normally that tag is used to identify children requiring special attention."
SEVERAL hours into my flight to Vancouver, my 14- month-old started to fuss. However, he soon found his thumb and settled down quietly in my arms. A woman sitting across the aisle watched all this with interest, then leaned over and said, "I have just recently spent over $2000 on my teenage daughter's teeth because as a child she sucked her thumb a lot." And then, with a contented smile, she added: "It was worth every cent."
EN ROUTE to Atlanta, the plane my husband was piloting made a stop in a small town, dropped off passengers and began taxiing back out to the runway. Just then a flight attendant notified my husband that a man had fallen asleep and missed his stop. To save time, the crew decided to let him exit down the rear stairs, where ground transportation would be waiting to take him back to the terminal. The other passengers watched nervously as their pilot left the cockpit to talk to a man clutching a suspiciously large briefcase. As my husband opened the rear door and let the man out he could feel all eyes focused on him. He slammed the door shut, brushed his hands together briskly and said, "There! Any more complaints about the food, see me!" The passengers roared with delight.
THE departure check-in area of our local airport is kept pleasantly quiet, and even the Salvation Army volunteer found that her familiar bells weren't allowed. As a result, she attracted very little attention during her first day's duty. The following day, her business was brisk as she waved two signs in the air. One read "DING," the other "DONG."
A MAN stopped one of the female flight attendants shortly after takeoff
and said, "I've heard the airlines will give people just about anything
to keep them happy nowadays. Will you give me anything to keep me happy?"
As a female airline pilot, I was amused one day by a passenger's reaction to me. The man had boarded the aircraft and was adjusting his seat belt when he happened to glance through the open cockpit door. His face paled and he exclaimed to a flight attendant, "Good grief! Is that a woman up there?" After a pause, he said quietly, "Well, I guess it's okay - as long as they don't let her touch anything."
Constructed by Dick Barrett